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Parental Expectations

What do your parents expect of you? Is it different to your siblings?

My partner, Russ & I are both the youngest child in our families and we clearly both have the bulk of life expectations from our families. 

Questions I would love to be asked - What am you working on at the moment. Read anything interesting lately? How's work? How are you??? (I really can't remember the last time anyone asked how I was actually doing, as a person...)

Questions I am asked on a daily basis - Have you applied for your Phd? Have you heard back from that interview? (...you had this morning) Is your dissertation finished yet? (not due till August - really!?) How long do we have to wait till you are called a Doctor? You're not going to think about having children anytime soon are you, as that is a huge mistake! 

I mentioned to my mum tonight that it is funny everyone did not bat an eyelid at my sister having a baby at my age (21) but when I mention possibly starting a family before or just after my Phd (22/25), I receive an onslaught of concern, criticism and threats to call my grandparents. Then I realise that there are these massive expectations placed on me that neither my sister or brother have. My brother is currently travelling around Australia and Asia (to be honest I have no idea where he is at the moment as he never even checks in). And the only expectations my mum has of him is that he a) survives his trip b) does not impregnate any women on his travels c) does not run out of money & come crawling back home! And my sister is 26, still rents, has two little boys, wants more children & works in a cafe which everyone whole-heartedly supports. So sometimes in my life, the pressure of these expectations builds up too high and I have a little - explosion. 

"Mother, when I decide to have a child, it will be when I am financially and emotionally capable of doing so as I am aware it is not something to take on lightly. I will also have a degree and a masters degree when a baby comes into our lives, so my career prospects will not completely diminish in the two or three years I take off from work life. It is interesting your credentials do not disappear into thin air once you have a baby. I am expected to quickly get a career that pays well so that I can get a mortgage ridiculously early in life & so everyone in my family can be proud of me. Why is one thing never enough. A degree is not enough. A masters degree is not enough. A Phd will not be enough. Taking a year off work to give my parents a beautiful grandchild will not be enough."

I wonder whether this is due to my family placing their expectations on mhmmm the most capable of offspring, if I do say so myself! In all honesty, both of my siblings have no motivation to develop careers, my sister loves having children (of course is her right, and they are beautiful boys) like she does always want to be pregnant and her partner has a good job so she can afford to! My brother loves being care free & not working! So it seems because I enjoy working and learning, I'm expected to work full time, study full time, never have any problems/children and yes I have been asked by numerous family members (both mine & Russell's) if they can live with us when they get old, so apparently I'm also going to have to buy an apartment complex at some point in the future too!

What does the literature say? 

Kornrich & Furstenberg (2013) 

"Investing in Children: Changes in Parental Spending on Children, 1972–2007." Demography.

 Examined parental investment from the 70's into the 2000's and found that in today's society, parents invest somewhat equally in both male and female children, thus a sign of equality in regards to expectations for their children's futures. Also, in the later 00's, parents were actually investing more in girls than boys, giving girls a slight advantage. The age at which parents invest most in their children has also changed over time. In the 70's, parents spent most of their money on their children during adolescence. However, more recently, parents are investing mostly when the child is under the age of 6, and when they are in their twenties. Indicating that parents are possibly supporting children more in the beginning of their independent life, than during school.  This is a very interesting paper, which provides numerous insights into parental expectations. However, since this paper was published in 2013, it is disappointing that the results do not span more recently than 7 years ago, as the recession that began in 2008 after data collection ceased, would have provided even more fascinating insights to see how this financial hit affected parent's investments. 

Kirk, Lewis-Moss, Nilsen & Colvin (2011) 

"The role of parent expectations on adolescent educational aspirations."  Educational Studies.

This study examined the relationship between parental expectations with adolescent aspirations, whilst examining the influence of parental level of education and involvement in academic endeavours on these expectations. Their results indicated that the aspirations of adolescents can be predicted by their parents expectations, therefore, if the parents have high expectations i.e. to become a doctor, lawyer etc, then the adolescent will aspire to achieve high goals. Same is found if parents do not expect their child to achieve much, then the adolescent has limited aspirations. Indicating that family support, encouragement and social pressure could be factors in the development of aspirations for adolescents' futures. The results also indicated that despite low academic attainment themselves, parents still had high expectations for their child. However, in some circumstances this effect was found to be buffered - meaning when other factors are present this effect does not occur. In this instance, if the parent is uneducated, their expectations for their child are lowered if they are unfamiliar with the requirements for getting into university/college, concerns about affording college and unfamiliarity with financial opportunities available i.e. grants, loans. This study provides us with an explanation as to what factors may affect our parent's expectations of us achieving academically. In my case, no-one in my family had ever been to university before, which is something my mother had always wanted to do, therefore, she came to every meeting my school hosted about entry routes for different universities. However, my brother lived with his father during his secondary school years, and the prospect of going to university was never mentioned or reinforced, even though he could have succeeded in applying. 

These are just a couple of papers I found that most recently looked into this topic, obviously they do not provide me with an answer to why no-one wants me to have a family, yet! But I do now understand why my family invested so much time and effort into encouraging my education. It was my aspiration, which they nurtured and developed into a reality & I am now a university graduate. My brother has always wanted to travel the world, he has spent 6 months doing just that, I have never seen him happier & I am pretty sure he does not want to ever come home! My sister has always wanted to have a family and she now has a beautiful one that I am sure will keep growing! So perhaps my family do support us all to achieve our goals equally, but those goals are different for each of us and mine just has a lot more deadlines they are aware of (and they like to check I'm still achieving them)!

Thank you for reading my version of a rant!

L. E. Watts